collage

parks, zoo, friends, family, chickens that "have hair like JR!", around the house, time together.

a flurry of activity is underway. today i am appreciating the yin and the yang in marriage, the reminder from a friend to dance more often, sunshine, a weekend with family, and all of the things that we get to work thru to make us the people we want to be.

london calling.

after many months of processing and many swings from ridiculously excited to "are we crazy?"s, things are moving and. well. so are we. long story short, we will be moving to london for 1-2 years for bryon's work. and i am giddy with excitement.

(me. in london. circa 2005)

we dropped the kids at grandma & grandpa's last weekend and took off for our own version of house hunters international. i was excited for a lot of things, here they are in order of most excited to least excited:
FINDING A FLAT IN LONDON
several days alone with my love
sleeping
walking the streets of london
long, uninterrupted airplane ride
missing my children

as for the flat, we found one. THE one.

i had talked with the realtor a few times leading up to our trip and after a few too many times of her telling me that our budget was too small and our house here was too big, we got on just fine. we had specified a 4 bedroom, clean, charming, centrally located home. oh yeah, and outdoor space or a park nearby. our list of boroughs included: kensington, notting hill, chelsea, st. john's wood, primrose hill, and hampstead. apparently this is a BIG list when you only have 2 days of looking......... or so my feet and bryon's comments told us.

we landed at 8 am london time and took of running. well, after bryon made a comment about how my showering habits (or lack there of...) will now fit in with the european stereotype. to which i did not justify with a response. however, my dry shampoo was further activated by the wind treatment provided by our realtors audi convertible (who needs water?!) and my calm airplane experience was negated by her incessant honking and wrong-side-of-the-road-ness. alas, we saw 5 or 6 different homes in our varying neighborhoods and felt like we had 2 or 3 that would work. we felt good. that evening we revisited a spot in chelsea and walked to what would be sure to become our go-to wood-fire pizza place if we lived there. salad, wine, and pizza and we were ready for bed.

i feel it necessary to record the first night of sleep. with 3 littles, 3 & under, i have been sleep-deprived for almost 4 years. bryon was all too excited for me to experience jet lag so i would be empathetic with him as he travels back & forth as often as he does. (side note: he takes pride in mentally conquering jet lag so that it doesn't affect our family and i don't give him nearly enough credit for how well he does so.) "you'll wake in a few hours and be wide awake!" he said. we went to bed at 9 pm. i rolled over and it was 12:08. as in, noon o eight. as in, i slept for 15 hours straight. giddy-up.

the next 2 days included: walking primrose hill, riding the tube from marble arch to notting hill. walking  past our potential flat in notting hill that was a stones throw from portobello road's constant outdoor market. we had brunch in st john's wood and amazing tacos & margaritas for dinner in notting hill. we frequented a cute park in chelsea where bryon, and i quote, said "let's check that out, i see some mommy action." do you bryon? do you?

final day and we mostly had revisits scheduled. we thought we'd end up in one of our good options. decide which of the concessions (flight of stairs to the entrance, nasty fixtures, on a road packed with lamborghini's {which makes me throw up in my mouth}) would be the least bad. and we were pumped! but then... it happened. the family who couldn't let us in because of a sick kid a few days ago, let us in the flat. and we fell in love. 4 bedrooms, ridiculous charm, wide-plank & white washed wood floors, enough said. we were smitten as we walked in. and laughed that the park with "mommy action" was literally across the street. we chose chelsea. or maybe chelsea chose us.

the home is becoming ours and i can't stop thinking about it. i can't stop thinking about family visiting and showing them around our little borough. i can't stop thinking about my best friend ashley sleeping in the tiny fourth bedroom and waking up for coffee together when she visits, like she has promised. i can't stop thinking about the library down the road that has a fabulous children's section. about our family bonding closer together as we find comfort in our unit amidst the big city. about living with less. and the different types of people that we will meet and play with and be challenged by. and experience an even bigger God as i see His story in a person different than me. as He continues to deliver on promises.

He is so good. and i am so grateful. when you pray for provision for so long, it's amazing to see it come together and amazing to see how quickly i forget that it indeed is His provision. i don't know how i have gotten so lucky, but i am thankful and eager and ready. and i'm sad and i'm scared.

london is calling and i can't believe we get to answer.

dear...

dear fallon:
recently i have taken to describing you as emotional. you had gone from being a carefree toddler to a deep and sensitive little girl. but i'm changing the way i describe it. because while those deep and sensitive emotions have shown themselves, you are constant in your happiness and positivity. like when daddy & i checked on you one night around 10 pm and woke you up, your very first response was a giant smile. that's just you. i think there is a difference in being highly emotional (a swinger, let's say) and having a tender heart. you, my dear, have a tender little heart. you care what other people are feeling and thinking- about life and about you. a giant strength but honestly, that's something that i think i will also have to be on the look-out for with you.

you have an ability to chameleon into the type of play that your playmate would want to do: baby's & mama's with your sister, wrestling with robbie, "jail!" or drumming with your boy cousins, legos with eli, making cupcakes with ellie, etc. i think it's a natural intuition and intelligence you have. i want to encourage you to use it for good. meet people where they are at, but stick to what you know is right & wrong. you are smart and you know how to love and i am praying that you can find ways to use those strengths to glorify God in your relationships and the work of your hands. keep those strengths pure and know that they are gifts from God. i pray that you give your life to Him and find purpose in all that you do. your life will become His and all the good and bad that happens, well that's just the story He is writing with your life. share it with others. use your intelligence and your love to connect with people, encouraging them to share their story with you. learn from others and grow together.

thank you for what your 3 1/2 year old heart is teaching my 29 year old heart. keep on keepin on, girl.



dear savvy:
yesterday you sat on the bed next to me and cuddled in your little savvy-nook in my arm. we were having a quiet moment and i even wondered if you had fallen asleep. then your big eyes looked up at me and you said "knock-knock, who's there" followed by incessant laughter. you are savvy. you are the one who keeps us laughing and you are also the one who uses a healthy portion of the patience in my patience tank. you mix strong, independent spirit with a longing to be held, on a lap, and when i call you "baby."

we've had a lot of mommy-savvy time recently: you and i stayed home from church while you were sick. you and i went to the pediatrician for said sickness. you and i have rocked your way thru nap time due to said sickness. you have felt like another appendage and as i sit here without you, i miss it. your petite little shoulders and ridiculously smooth skin. your big eyes and pink lips. you're choosy in whom you allow into your little world and i'm so thankful to be in it. when you love, you love big and hard. i think you will have your dad's discernment. use it well. guard your big heart and allow your loyalty to impact others in a deep way. but be open, too. people want to know you, savvy and it's important to be stretched and vulnerable. that's when God truly uses us. every night we pray with you, for a soft heart to know Christ. cause i know that once you know Him, you will be His loyal follower forever.

savvy: to know, to understand.

dear jr:

my boy. my happy little soul. you are 6 months old and i don't think you've stopped smiling yet... like ever. last night, after daddy fed you for the evening, we laid in bed and listened to your happy sounds for a solid 30 minutes. you are so full of joy. my friend suzi comments every single time she sees you about the joy that comes out of your blue eyes. i truly can't get enough. you're cool & calm and ok with whomever is holding you or wherever you are placed. i usually catch you looking at me from across the room and i feel like the luckiest lady alive. i heard a father describe his daughter this way and i get it: if i lined up all the little boys in all the world and could pick one to be mine, it would be you every time. at every hour of every day.

i decided we would work on sitting up the other day. i propped you up in between my legs on the floor and put a toy in front of you. i was ready to catch you flailing backwards or collapsing forwards. but, you sat. all by yourself. and didn't tip over once. apparently you got that. i think often about teaching you kids about being flexible, resilient. it's something i aim for in myself and it's something i think is important in life. it's something that is innate in your tiny little spirit. i saw it in the way you entered the world (i won't go into labor details for you...) and i see it in your unceasing smile. 

one of the hardest parts about you? keeping up with your hair. washing it, getting little bedhead knots out of the back, trying to decide if and how to cut it. 

i've been reading a lot things talking about how hard motherhood is. and i fully agree. but it's kind of had me down. and i've been thinking that the movement of being real about the challenges and trials that can come with the role is causing us (or maybe just me?) to feel like i need to always be sharing that. or when i'm focusing on the good stuff i must not be real. but i'm a focus on the good stuff kind of gal. and while i like the stretch of being vulnerable about it being hard and encouraging one another with "you're not alone!"s when mom behavior feels so tiring, hard & isolating; i think focusing on the good stuff causes us to see more good stuff. and the stuff that seemed so hard falls by the wayside...

hard & important.

i pounded out a hard 7 miles this morning. lest you think i am bragging about how far i went or that i ran at all, know that i set out to do more. and faster. i planned to use sitter time to recharge myself. to just think and hit the pavement. notsomuch. sometimes even the stuff i love feels harder than i think it should or expect it to. and the next run may or may not feel easier and more accomplished, but i will try again. and i will be glad for doing it. because it's important to me.

...and i'm struck right now about how that just seems to be the case. being a mom, leading a bible study, being a wife, being a woman, blog-umenting memories, friendship. all things i love. all things that take it OUT of me. and the most important ones are the ones that feel the hardest. i tend to take pride in making things seem effortless. (that's hard to write) and i have no idea why.

i've been trying to filter what i say to say things that i really mean or think instead of just what i'm supposed to say. i don't know much else to say about that. and maybe that's the point...? but seriously, who has ever been encouraged or touched by someone who says the "right" things and appears effortless? 

(adapted from something i heard ashley say..) me: "fallon, why did God give us words?" fallon: "to be kind and encourage one another"

i felt really doubtful of myself after bible study on wednesday. each week, i look forward to leading and i pray that God will just use me and take my kacey-ness out of the discussion. so why do thoughts like they probably don't think i should be leading... still plague me? i'm gonna go with: it's stretching me and challenging me and important to do the hard stuff because that's when i'm weakest and God is strongest...

but it still feels so hard. 

and those are just some thoughts.

some stuff we've been up to:

learning more & more about the importance, joy, and benefit of community....

cutting hair and stealing hearts (1st hair cut @ 5 1/2 months old, milestone recorded)

"car-tooooooon." (skipping naps)

 playing on the driveway.

 celebrating this one. her 2nd birthday.

her learning to write, me learning to take time to sit and teach.

 hot yoga after bedtimes.

 local bookstores with staff picks. 

i've recently decided that a bookstore is where i might hide out if i had a whole day to be just by myself. maybe a bookstore for the first half and then poolside with a book for the 2nd half.

word stream.

my creative writing teacher, mr. curry, used to start many classes with word streams. i'd open up my composition notebook, get out my pilot pen, and just get lost in writing thoughts. it was one of my favorite exercises in one of my favorite classes. what better way to tell your story or what is going on in life right now than just allowing words to flow, uninhibited and unedited. i'm not a sentiment, but i do wish i still had that notebook. reminisce on what all-consuming things were going on in my 16 year old brain. yes, i loved creative writing. my next favorite class was literature with ms. tarzinski, where i read the great gatsby for the first time and still remember things like i love big gatherings, they're so intimate and i hope she's a pretty little fool... the power of written word.

and also the challenge of written word..... i've been having a hard time putting to word and action the radical feelings that have been stirring in my heart. i desire for our family to not be swayed by anything going on around us and act in a way that is empowered, obedient, and genuine. i desire to have blinders to temptations towards bad and seemingly good things that take me away from serving my God and serving my family. yet nothing is changing. i don't know if God is doing a work to prepare me for something ahead or i am missing what the true "obedient response" is. i don't think that giving away all of our possessions and living in a vanagon while serving in inner cities is the final answer, but is it?
poor bryon.

and speaking of bryon, i've been extra smitten with this guy lately. we had a double date day on saturday. and by double date, i mean we dated while we ran together at the gym and the kids were in childcare and then dated while we shopped together and the kids were with grandma & grandpa for the evening. we talked about discipline and the strengths & weaknesses of each of our children. we talked about confidence and the things that God has been teaching us about ourselves and what we've seen in one another. i'm learning how much of a love story keeps going in the midst of raising kids and having a family. this love story takes intentional time, appreciation for what it is, genuine love and eyes fixed on Christ- that whole triangle growth thing of growing closer together when we are growing towards the Lord that they taught us about in pre-marital counseling. it's not always roses, but that's all part of the love story.

i have had a heart ache for a friend recently. like, i know she's fine and she's so strong that she will handle it all and be even better than better for it, but man my heart aches. and i'm addicted to this kind of friend. and this kind of pain because you care so much for someone else. i'm counting myself thankful for truly wanting this pain on myself because i love her so much that i don't want her to feel it.

and i've been on this journey of crying more often and feeling more and being more vulnerable. some recent crying culprits include: watching fallon look out for savvy when she joined the big kid childcare room at the gym. like fallon ran away excited to see a friend, turned around half-way there and ran back to her sister, put her hand on her little back, and walked her back to play with them. this video. a subaru commerical. and maybe that's all for now.

but i'm also learning to love even more that we all are created so differently. we are wired differently, have different cups of tea, and different things are hard & easy for us. while i strive for more emotion, i also embrace laid back and steady. while i wish for laid back about food and indulgence, i embrace my tendency towards healthy eating, fitness & the necessity of keeping "too disciplined" in check. while i marvel at amazing hostesses, i hone in my laid back approach and just try to make people feel welcome and at-home. i am so aware these days of all the things that make us unique.

and i'm running out of words. errands await.

...and coming soon is a post to our newly two-year old savvy. what a fun little gal, working on that video for you baby girl.

things i don't do.

i have reread a chapter from this book several times now. she lays out things she does do and things she doesn't do. it is so invigorating to just put words to things you don't do. as in, this seemingly GOOD thing (or bad thing, i guess) is keeping me away from being able to do the things i want to do. like play with my kids or spend time in the word or think about things, like really sit down and use my brain. i struggle with that last one. or these things just put me in a bad place of pressure or inadequacy. i am not 100% ready to properly communicate my things i do do list, but i am working on my things i don't do list. and even more invigorating than just saying it is typing it out for others to read and for me to be able to look back on.

and can i also say, i think most of these are good things. and for many people, these are value-add's to life. many of my do do's will be don't do's for others and many of my don't do's will be do do's for others. that's the beauty of it. it's figuring it out for yourself. i'm at the beginning of my figuring it out journey.

and also, also. many of these should read "i (try to) don't do" and with that grammatical error, let's begin...

i don't scrapbook
i don't do cleanses, special diets, or detox plans
i don't watch shows or movies about infidelity, children getting hurt, or thrillers that make me nervous to be home alone when B travels
i don't meal plan or try to be something i'm not in the kitchen

curious, what don't YOU do in order to do something you do do?

********
today, we are recharging at home. i am drinking an extra cup of coffee, the girls are coloring, we are talking to one another and not rushing off to do something. savvy has been wearing nothing but a diaper all morning, fallon ate breakfast on my lap. we are apologizing for being short with one another when we rush, breaking the cycle of fit-yell-fit-yell... and we are refocusing on things like sending toys & notes to our sponsored child in uganda. we read the easter story in the children's bible several times.

we certainly do this. (not nearly enough...)

rain

when you haven't written in awhile, it's really hard to get back in the groove. how am i going to capture the last 2 months with a few words? but i would be remiss to just not write. so i am writing. and i am writing without expectations.

lately, i've been learning to (try and) lean fully into God. accept my children for EXACTLY who they are. be more vulnerable with friends. maybe even strangers. cry more often. be patient in His timing. get my ego out of the way so that He can do work. embrace how much i miss my husband when he travels. refocus my efforts as COO of our household. ...knitting. pumping. drinking coffee. doing hot yoga. realizing even more what a physical person i am- out on a run is where my heart feels most open to the spirit AND it allows me to move my legs as fast as savvy gets my heart going...

and a few key words for each child right now.
fallon: positive, emotional, kind, beautiful
savvy: learning, strong-willed, hilarious, adorable
jr: happy, happy, joyful, tender, quick to giggle

there are times of rain and drought in our spiritual walks. droughts are pretty quiet. things feel pretty dry and at these times, i usually unemotionally pray for fire in my heart. i pray it because i should, not because it's there. teetering on complacency. then there's rain. rain can be viewed as downpours of trials or blessings. a time where our eyes, ears and hearts are so keenly in-tune to whispers of the spirit that seem to follow us everywhere we go: in notes from friends, song lyrics, "coincidences" throughout the day. things we want to hear and things we don't. the rain can feel invigorating. the rain can also feel sick-to-your-stomach hard. ..give me the rain every time.

and a quick flash from the past. yowza.

apparently i like letters.

dear husband: 

when we laid down in bed last night, i told you that you had been an awesome dad that day. what i should have said is that you had been an even more awesome dad than usual that day. you keep us laughing- even when you've hogged all of the sleep in the morning and my morning martyr self pretends like your positive energy and sarcasm is not funny or contagious. this weekend you kept fallon out til 10 at an overtime wheaton basketball game, stopped a very bloody nose and suggested a family trip to IKEA. you are all that is man. 

dear savvy:

"baby!" your dad & i have the under/over of 250 times that you squeal "baby" throughout the day. in reference to JR, your baby dolls, and usually fallon as well. (i'm over, he's under) you love your family with something fierce and i'm so grateful to among the group. 

we went out with some friends (shout-out nelson's!?) and they commented on how they watched your eyes because they could just see you looking for/processing mischief. you don't stop little lady. we took a family nap on sunday and you and i were the only ones who didn't sleep much. i resigned to stop trying to make you sleep more because clearly i'm to blame! you & me, girlfriend.

dear fallon:

it's ballet season. you have been talking about the class for months. MONTHS. when it came time to go in by yourself, not so much. you've changed from our throw-all-caution-to-the-wind-babe to a reserved and thoughtful girl. i am learning how to go thru this process with you- challenge you to try new things yet encourage you to think for yourself and have confidence in your decisions. you tell me you just want to stay with me and how could a mama ever say no to that? i'm excited to see what comes of this season, my sweet one.

dear hair. i mean, JR:

4 months old today. holy smokes. you still light up the days, little buddy. we get lots of alone time during the SEVERAL nightly feeds (dude?!). you are happy all day long and love to make eye contact. i am still convinced that you will be a cool, calm dude that thrives in relationships. make sure to keep the one with your mom of utmost importance. please :)

on the run

for me, going on a run by myself = reflection, decompression, motivation, and much more. my runs are sacred to me. when there is an opportunity, i take it. like, say, after a date night that included mexican food & a margarita? yep, slow 3 miles. bryon knows this and is awesome about "hey, babe, go for your run." except when he is being sarcastic and there is no time left for anything and he is all "oh yeah...take your time, babe, go for a nice, long run..." and we laugh because really there is more no-time-left-for-anythings than anything else.

a recent run had me thinking about this blog. and why i do it. and i became invigorated to share more. i do it because i hope that one day down the road f,s&j will read it and get a glimpse of what their mom was like, what their life was like when they were littles, and will be empowered to have & share opinions, thoughts & feelings. i want them to know how important their voices are and as i am going thru these last few years of feeling like i'm really finding mine, i want to lead by example of how to put it out there. 

this is where they play.

fallon. she likes pink, the fresh beat band, and going on family dates. her heart is as tender as they come and she aims to please. "i can't stop smiling!" just came out of her mouth first thing this morning. when she grows up she wants to be a mommy.

savvy. she likes animals, playing chase, and carrying around her baby. everywhere. she's got a special bond with daddy and they can often be found sharing a massive bowl of popcorn together on the couch. she keeps everyone laughing with her sassy little personality and hilarious antics. as my mom said last time she watched her "savvy doesn't play second fiddle to anyone." it's not fun to tell savvy NO when she wants to hear yes. not fun at all...

james richard. he likes being wrapped up tight to sleep, making eye contact, and watching his bear mobile. as sweet & handsome as they come. honestly, i can't get enough. i stick my face into his and we both giggle and i don't want to leave that place. ever. his eyes are blue and his heart is gold.

& i'm the mom. i'm passionate about finding ways to live radically for Christ while in this world, teaching my kids about being kind, teachable moments, supporting my man, deepening friendships, genuineness. this week, i'm back to work here and currently i'm listening to this on repeat. i'm working on being more empathetic.

oh, and our handsome leader. he's just that.

on this same reflective run, i had this other ah-ha. i read an article recently about how women's prime running years are between 28-38 years old. recently, i've shaved full minutes off of my pace. i went thru this whole thought process of how i had a birthday a couple of months ago! CRAZY! and i am living proof that the article is true and accurate! i should write in and tell them. then... i realized i actually just turned 29. woops. all i know is having a baby that needs to eat from you quite often is good incentive to increase your speed. he's got me on track for my bucket list boston. thanks jr.

mad libs.

in an effort to recap 2012 and prepare for 2013, i've asked for fallon's help. she puts things so much more eloquently than i.

this year has been silly, fun, and cold

highlights of the year included going in the snow, when JR was born, going to florida on vacation, summer, ballet, savvy learning how to walk.

fallon likes playing with ellie, watching fresh beat band and doing ballet.

savvy likes mickey, playing with JR, eating snacks.

daddy likes working, seeing JR, watching basketball and eating soup.

mommy likes tickling JR, running, drinking water, and playing with fallon.

jr likes going in his swing, making cute noises, and sleeping.

 this coming year is going to be happy.

as a family, we are going to go to chuck e. cheese.

and without further adieu, a few pics from the last several weeks...

our first trip to the theatre.

 ridiculously cute faces of james richard.

a lotta time spent as a family.

annual lake geneva turkey fry

gingerbread house construction zone

advent activities

christmas morning....

 here's to a positive, exciting, faith-filled 2013.

fallon (typed by fallon)